I have been absent, or even radio silent, for a while. My commitment to women, women’s health, pregnancy, and midwifery have not changed- but something else did. As a nurse for over three decades, and a midwife for over two, I know first-hand that Life can change on a dime. I had it happen to me once before in 1996 following the tragic death of my brother, but felt, naively, that perhaps the Universe would give me a pass for the rest of my life and I would coast through life, unscathed. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Universe had other plans for me, and for my Life.
The week of April 7, 2025, started out like any other. I was in Florida but flew home to New York on April 8th, going to bed like any other night not knowing that the following morning would bring a cataclysmic change to my entire world. My husband, David, had suffered a catastrophic medical event that he would never recover from. Once again, as his spouse, I had to make life-changing decisions for him, myself and our family that I never expected I would have to. David passed away peacefully on April 12, 2025, and my life has not been the same since.
Grief took me down roads I never wanted to travel on. It is the unwelcome visitor in my life that is never going away. I felt every emotion possible, but overwhelming sadness and yearning for the life we had together prevail. With his death, a huge part of myself passed with him and the entire future we had planned, prayed, and longed for was gone. Suddenly I was solo. I lost the one person in my world who cared how I felt each day, asked me how work was, cared if I ate or got enough sleep, if my car had gas, or if I was happy. Suddenly everything I valued had no meaning any longer and there was no joy in my world, including to write and interact with women around the globe, or to sustain this platform. I knew one day I would come back and, in honor of David, I am.
My grief had me thinking of other spouses who lost also. Then I started wondering about the pregnant women who were experiencing grief. Loss comes in various forms- one can lose a spouse, a parent, a sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, a pet, a job, or a friend. The human body responds to grief and grief can take over. I have never felt more persistent fatigue in my life. The brain fog is real. I have no memory of simple things. My appetite is gone and its a struggle to eat. Exercise is even more exhausting. I do not laugh any more. But I still care.
Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of expectation and excitement. When loss and grief come into the picture, the increased cortisol and stress hormones rob women of their sleep and appetite. The baby in utero responds to that stress also. Studies have demonstrated that the sudden shift in key hormones could contribute to preterm labor, or magnify the discomforts of pregnancy like aches, pains, sleep trouble and gastrointestinal disturbances. Other studies have suggested that the baby has the potential to experience developmental delay due to the onslaught of stress hormones triggered as a response to loss. Others have posited that there may be a link to the development of ADHD, anxiety or impacts to cognitive development. Stillbirth has also been listed as a possible complication of grief. Regardless of the cause, loss can take on many different forms and our bodies, including a pregnant woman’s, responds to the stress.
The literature is also full of suggestions about what to do. I tried many. For me, they failed. I did not find people to be a comfort, but there is a strong connection to being surrounded by a group of well-meaning, supportive friends, family or coworkers as a support system to navigate grief. Mental health professionals can be ideal to help someone sort out their feelings and responses or to develop coping strategies. I found that I needed to give myself Grace. It was OK to mourn, OK to not feel better, OK to avoid people, and definitely OK to do whatever I felt I needed to do for myself. Self-care is now my priority, and I need to do it my way. Each person is different and each person finds their own rhythm, on their own schedule.
I am in no way better. I carry this grief every day and wish life was different. However, I owe him a better part of me because David was so invested in my dreams as my biggest supporter and fan. In honor of David, Prenatal Possibilities will go on because we both believed in our purpose and are committed to women globally. Yes, Life has changed, but some things can never be taken away.
Thank you all for your outpouring of love, support and encouragement.